Monday, January 14, 2008

911 Eyewitness - Evidence of thermonuclear explosions

I fucking hate this bullshit.

VOICEOVER: Could conventional conventional demolition explosives vaporize all the people, computers and office furniture in the towers, while pulverizing all the concrete in the floors into fine powder and have enough left over to fracture the welded steel framework of up to four-inch-thick steel beams?
Hmmm, good question. I'm going to guess the answer is "no." I'm going to guess YOUR reason is because you want to advance some jive-ass theory about nukes in the World Trade Center. I'm going to guess MY reason is because NONE OF THAT FUCKING HAPPENED.

People were sorting through rubble - not "powder" - and old office machine parts and cataloging body parts out at Fresh Kills for months. You think the government managed to break into its secret "rubble and broken xerox machines" cache out at Fort Make Believe and then got hundreds of people to stand around sorting through a bunch of prop destruction for prop bodies and had to keep yelling at them, "NO! Stop laughing. Take this big fakeout seriously you assholes!"

VOICEOVER: Our paper/powder theory has been recognized as evidence of a thermonuclear device being detonated in the basements of both towers and World Trade 7 in order to superheat all the steel and concrete and sufficiently weaken the structure to facilitate the observed progressive collapses.

That's great to hear man. That's just fucking super.

Look, while you're here, let me tell you about my Hybrid Dogzilla Urine Theory. See, the reason why global sea-levels and sea temperatures are rising while the ocean gets greener and smells more like piss is because there's a giant Half-Godzilla/Half-Dog - or Dogzilla, if you will.


*taps ash out of pipe, jams pipe into ear repeatedly*

This Dogzilla keeps urinating into the Pacific from one of those islands near Japan where the people from the Toho Movie Company and the U.S. Military carried out all those nuclear tests on beagles and that one Tyrannosaurus someone found living in Canada.

*puts on a third tweed coat*

The nuclear tests fused a beagle and the t-rex together and made a Dogzilla, and since it keeps drinking all the fresh water out of Asia and taking a giant ass dog whizz into the pacific, the world's ocean levels are getting higher. They're getting warmer because dog piss is warm. And they're getting greener because the ocean is blue, and pee is yellow, and YELLOW+BLUE=GREEN.

*sews elbow patches into forehead*

I think you'll find that, like your vaporized bodies and nukes theory is proved by the giant sugar loaf of powder left over from the WTC, my imaginary Dogzilla theory is completely proved by the evidence of the warm yellow pissy oceans, because it's REALLY EASY TO PROVE MADE-UP BULLSHIT WITH OTHER MADE-UP BULLSHIT.

ROSE ARCE, CNN PRODUCER: There was a schoolyard across the street, and I remember there were kids that were being evacuated from the schoolyard.

No shit, really? Must be because something was up. Like a fucking airplane flying into a building and making it explode. Sometimes when someone's punching himself in the head and his hair's on fire, sometimes the explanation isn't that he's being controlled by the Illuminati. Maybe he's punching his head because it's ON FIRE.

ROSE ARCE, CNN PRODUCER: And one of the girls looked up into the sky, and she said, to her father, "Daddy, look. They're doing it on purpose."

PRICELESS. The eyewitness they're talking about in the video title is a little girl. Of course! When I'm trying to figure out what complex series of events caused a tragedy, the first thing I try to do is find a joint panel of children to really break down the chain of evidence. Remember when we got those kids Tyler and Dakota to bring us the skinny on what happened with the levees during Katrina? Remember how relieved we all were when we found out that either God was really sad and cried too much rain or maybe a giant filled up his bathtub too high, only - get this - his bathtub was the GULF OF MEXICO???

You know, I get people who want to make sense out of scary stuff. I get that they want explanations. I DON'T get how they go to extra effort to hide the explanation by making up the dumbest shit in the world to hide even more truth and just confuse anyone they meet. Especially when they go to 20x the effort to convince themselves of something weird as shit instead of doing the 1x effort of checking the facts for themselves.

You think maybe some nukes went off in the WTC? BUY A FUCKING GEIGER COUNTER, you lazy mystery-loving assholes.

The trouble with people like these guys and the "Loose Change" people isn't that they're trying to find more knowledge. The trouble is they're making non-knowledge, antiknowledge, counterknowledge. They don't dig up sense, they hide all the sense we might find behind more nonsense. And the reason they do it is because they know fuckall to begin with.

Yeah, maybe it seems like perfect sense that the towers fell because of controlled demolition. Maybe the evidence points to that. Then again, I'm guessing it makes sense to you because you couldn't find your way out of your own asshole with a trail of breadcrumbs and a fucking Garmin, much less find your way out of chapter 1 of a book on structural engineering.

Get off the fucking internet and go take a class at the learning annex or just bang your head on your desk until you wander away from the fucking keyboard.


ex.contrail said...

if you look at the crash from this angle though, it's a little harder to explain the nukes away...

George F.K. said...

This is the best post.