J. Frank Parnell's Radiation-O-Rama

J. Frank Parnell: Ever been to Utah? Ra-di-a-tion. Yes, indeed. You hear the most outrageous lies about it. Half-baked goggle-box do-gooders telling everybody it's bad for you. Pernicious nonsense! Everybody could stand a hundred chest X-rays a year. They ought to have 'em, too. When they canceled the project it almost did me in. One day my mind was full to bursting. The next day - nothing. Swept away. But I'll show them. I had a lobotomy in the end.
Otto: Lobotomy? Isn't that for loonies?
Parnell: Not. At. All. Friend of mine had one. Designer of the neutron bomb. You ever hear of the neutron bomb? Destroys people - leaves buildings standing. Fits in a suitcase. It's so small, no one knows it's there until - BLAMMO. Eyes melt, skin explodes, ev-ry-bo-dy dead! So immoral, working on the thing can drive you mad. That's what happened to this friend of mine. So he had a lobotomy. Now he's well again.

Thought I'd do this one b/c it looked like a fun one. No real surprises here. Just your basic, MY GOD RADIATION IS SO FREAKIN' GOOD FOR YOU WHY ARE YOU EVEN WORRYING ABOUT IT??? pap that got fed to our parents. Still, let's go to the highlights.

ASPECTS OF NUCLEAR RADIATION

0:57 - "Complete recovery is more probable!"
Oh cool. Lies. I love lies. Tell me more lies.

1:11 "...as potent and irresistible as the evil spirits of the Indians."
That isn't a lie, that's just crazy insensitive racism. Could you make up something that any asshole could disprove in about a year with a lab not funded by an arms company?

1:40 "The radium-treated dye of your watch, for instance, is harmless!"
Awesome. Thank you. Thank you so much. I hope you died of bone and dick cancer.

2:05 "Not even the atomic-bomb burst... is the DDT of humanity from which there is no escape."

If I can be serious for a second, this makes me suspect this isn't a 50's video as advertised. According to the Knowledge Lords of the Internet, DDT really didn't become a big scary thing nationwide until after 1962 and Rachel Carson's "Silent Spring." So the idea of never getting away from the evil of DDT wouldn't make sense in the 50's. Granted at the time there was a worldwide campaign to wipe out mosquitoes and malaria with it, but that was never 100% effective. Also it's just a REALLY weird metaphor to use. Was everyone in America at the time sitting there thinking things like, "Nobody covers center field like Mickey Mantle. He just blankets it like DDT!" "You can't see anything on that girl. That dress is on her like DDT." Or, "One day I'm gonna slam a guy's head into the mat by falling backward. My name is Jake Roberts. Here is my trouser snake."

2:38 - [Advice for surviving a nuclear blast] "Be somewhere else!"

I'm going back to the beginning of the video right now to see if this was made by the "1+1=2 Educational Film Company." Look for other classics like:

- How to Prevent Drowning: pull your head out of the goddam water

- Can Fires Kill? - YES!

- How to Prevent Dog Bites: kill all dogs

- POISON: DON'T EAT IT!!!

4:05 - [To prove the effectiveness of concrete bunkers, they show four guys in one, chainsmoking and wearing the same outfit and slick hair]

Oh, I get it. To survive the nuclear holocaust, I have to join The Jets.

4:20 - "It is safe to go into the area of a high airburst two minutes after it occurs."

That locomotive engine couldn't possibly be hot. In fact, stick a baby on it! Also, 4:20 smoke dank airburst every day.

5:00 - WORRY vs. DEATHS

This chart is totally fucking amazing.

Now see whatcha got here is your Worry AND your Death. Your WORRYDEATH. 85% of the time, you're gonna have Worry. But then the other percent of the time, BOOM! You're gonna have Death. That's why you've got to get protection in the middle.

Some people say you gotta combine your Worry and your Death. But I want you to look at this! I want you to look at this right here. You take out your Death pie, but it doesn't fit in your Worry! Dudnt make sense! BOOM! That's a nuke going off! You weren't protecting your quarterback! PAY ATTENTION!!!

7:05 - Radiation does not cause impotence! Or sterility! "The dose needed to bring about permanent sterility exceeds the fatal dose."

Just remember that while this agency was telling you this, another agency in the government was NUKING MEN'S BALLS in prisons against their will just to test this out. Guess what? This video is wrong!

8:58 - "These are the probabilities, and they aren't worth losing any sleep over!"
This is like waking up in the middle of the night b/c your wife is shaking you and saying "I heard glass shattering" and then you say, "Holy shit really???" and then she says "nevermind, it's probably nothing," and then you can't sleep for about three fucking hours, b/c if it isn't nothing, you're going to be found slashed to pieces and your kid cut open and boiled for soup. OH, DON'T WORRY! IT'S ONLY DEATH! AND YOU NEED SLEEP, RIGHT?????

9:02 - "Besides, a mutation can be a good variation, an improvement over the parent!"

10:1 the writer of this film was a mutation from a good human being.